Driver of The Year: Daisuke Matsuzaka.

The young pitcher not only borrowed a car from the Seibu Lions despite having his driving license suspended; he then parked it illegally outside his TV announcer girlfriend's apartment block. When the police towed it away, he called a member of the Lions' staff to come and take the rap. This happened after a 10-meter statue had been placed at a road junction in Saitama Prefecture to promote road safety. The locals delivered a suitable response to the young pitcher: They put a giant paper bag over the statue's head. The Lions gave him a pay raise, making him the youngest player to earn 100 million yen.

Runnerup:

Koji Uehara who tried a nifty U-turn where he shouldn't have and knocked a motorcyclist off his bike, breaking his leg. But hold on -- Uehara was genuinely distressed; he was desperate for his female companion to flee the scene, this while the motorcyclist was lying under his car in agony. There's a Giant heart for you. Naturally, the Yomiuri Giants gave him a pay raise at the end of the season.

Manager of the Year: Vissel Kobe boss Ryoichi Kawakatsu

The Kobe boss wasn't a happy man. His players were apathetic, confused and not carrying out his instructions (hey, they were Japanese). So he did what I have been recommending managers should do for years. He smacked a couple of his players around the head at half-time, trying to wake them up.

Too many J. League players think they are wonderful when in reality they are crap -- not very big fish in a small pond. But newspapers scraping for stories are still willing to kiss their asses for a headline. Kawakatsu decided he'd had enough of prima donnas and let his players know how he felt. When he lashed out, he was doing what every other manager in the league has felt like doing at some stage or other.

Prima Donnas of the Year: Takashi Hirano, Go Oiwa and Shigeyoshi Mochizuki

They'd done it before, so they thought they'd try it again. Last year, Nagoya Grampus Eight manager Koji Tanaka resigned after a club showdown with these three players. This year, they didn't like the way manager Joao Carlos (runnerup to Kawakatsu as Manager of the Year) was handling things. Carlos told them to piss off. The players stormed into the front office and said: "Either he goes, or we go." So the club told them to piss off. The move halted the trio's international aspirations.

Gratuitous Sex in Sports Award: Beach volleyball

Why do you never see pictures of men's beach volleyball?

I Can't Stand Up For Falling Down Award: The Kashima Antlers

Bismarck, Atsushi Yanagisawa, Masashi Motoyama, Takayuki Suzuki -- what is wrong with their legs that they buckle as soon as an opposition player goes near them?

Salaryman Posing as a Sportsman Award

Naoki Sugiyama of the Yomiuri Giants, who, after coming out of a bar during a training camp, took off a shoe to hit a woman who, not surprisingly, wanted nothing to do with the oaf. The only surprising thing is that the Giants didn't give him a pay raise. In fact, they fired him. Expect him to sign with the Dragons any day now.

Dog with Tail Between Its Legs Award: Kunishige Kamamoto

The hero (Japan's only) of the Mexico Olympics used his dubious achievement as a player to rise to vice president in the Japan Football Association and to become a member of the House of Councilors, another dubious achievement.

Kamamoto has made a name for himself by speaking out where others fear to tread. He accused the South Koreans of trying to bribe their way into hosting the World Cup and constantly criticized Japan manager Philippe Troussier. He wanted Troussier out.

JFA president Shunichiro Okano wanted the Frenchman to stay. Okano had his way and saw his faith rewarded with Japan's Asian Cup triumph. Kamamoto pulled back from his involvement in soccer, saying, laughably, that Diet issues were taking up his time. Yeah, right.

Worst Description of Winning A Gold Medal: Ryoko Tamura, judo

"It's like meeting my first love." What? You think love is pinning a guy/girl to the ground, wrenching him/her around by the ass and getting all hot, sweaty and aggressive? (Isn't it? -- ed.)

Least Convincing Excuse for not Signing with a Soccer Club: Shoji Jo

When handed the chance of joining a Belgian club, Jo said Belgium was below his level -- eh? When offered the chance to join a French club, he reportedly said it was too far away from his girlfriend in Spain. He's just signed on again with the Yokohama F. Marinos (well, it sounds Spanish, doesn't it).

Gratuitous Sex in Art Masquerading as Sport Award:

Rhythmic gymnastics, synchronized swimming.

The Nero "Let Rome Burn Award" for Worst Decision of the Year: The JFA,

which, after losing 1-0 to South Korea on April 26, was under intense pressure to decide on the fate of manager Philippe Troussier. The heat was on to fire him. With Japanese soccer in crisis, the JFA, like the wonderful bureaucrats they are, decided to put off the decision until their next regularly scheduled board meeting on May 25, just a week before Japan was due to leave for Morocco to play France and Jamaica. Eventually, they were forced to make an earlier decision.

The "Hold Your Tongue Young Girl" Award: The Japan Swimming Federation

Suzu Chiba has probably done more for swimming in this country than anyone in the last 10 years, so her treatment by the JSF ahead of the Olympics was little short of disgraceful. There is little doubt that she was left off the team because the JSF just doesn't like her, her honesty and the fact that she lives and trains abroad.

Chiba's credentials to be selected for Sydney were as good as any swimmer's in Japan; in fact, probably better than any swimmer's in Japan. If she had had similar results as, say, a track star, she would have been idolized in this country. Nevertheless, the public took to Chiba while the JSF just took offense and reveled in the humiliation of a star who went overseas to better herself and get away from the perverse sporting attitudes of senior figures in sporting organizations in Japan.

The Annual JAWOC How To Screw Up the World Cup Award: JAWOC (fifth year running)

Tickets will go on sale in October, they said. The plan was put in motion, the world's soccer fans were informed and . . . then they called the whole thing off due to confusion over the tax issue, which had been resolved several years earlier. Who are these people? Tickets will now go on sale in February -- unless they don't.

The "No Gaijin Allowed" Award: Japan's World Cup media chief Ko Yamaguchi

When FIFA boss Sepp Blatter held a news conference at JAWOC's headquarters in Yurakucho in November, Yamaguchi told the mixture of foreign and Japanese journalists -- IN JAPANESE -- "We will only take questions in Japanese."

His peculiar reasoning, he explained to me later, was that it would save time as Blatter was on a very tight schedule. Naturally Blatter didn't understand any of the questions in Japanese, so his interpreter translated them and then translated his responses into Japanese. If Yamaguchi had wanted to save time, what he should have done is said questions should only be asked in English. Then, as the interpreter translated for the Japanese speakers, Blatter could have formulated his response and saved precious time. This mockery of a system so enraged one French journalist that he stood up and demanded to be heard -- a lesson to all the disenfranchised in Japan.

The NTV "What Other Teams?" Award: Sky TV

Curiously, Rupert Murdoch and Sky TV failed in its takeover bid for English soccer giant Manchester United, although you'd never know this if you watch Sky TV's coverage of Premier League soccer in Japan. I do love being able to watch the Premier League games live, but I DO NOT WANT TO SEE Manchester United every friggin' week!

Runnerup: Sky TV

Don't tell me Sky is "learning" from Japanese broadcasters. This week, Sky was showing the crucial Chicago Bears-Detroit Lions game that decided the final NFL playoff spot and which subsequently would allow the defending Super Bowl champion St. Louis Rams to make the playoffs. Unfortunately, in depressing Japanese style, Sky cut the broadcast with just two plays and only eight seconds left to go. The Bears kicked a 54-yard field goal on the final play of the game -- but nobody in Japan saw that.

The "No Gaijin Allowed in J2" Award: the J. League

A certain club newly arrived in J2 wanted to hire a foreign manager. The club was told that the J. League doesn't want foreign managers in J2. The reasoning on this one is that the league would like J2 to be a training ground for Japanese managers. It's OK to have them in J1 and OK to have them in the Japan Football League, so why not J2? And, if the J. League wants Japanese managers to learn, wouldn't it be best for them to learn under the tutelage of a foreign manager. Even better, why don't they require them to spend a year overseas?

The one thing the J. League doesn't want at the moment is another season of the Urawa Reds running around like lunatics. Why isn't Shinji Ono the new Hidetoshi Nakata? Because he's trapped inside the Urawa lunatic asylum that represents the very worst of Japanese football. GET OUT SHINJI! RUN!

The Hidetoshi Nakata "I Don't Give a Toss" Award: Hidetoshi Nakata (third year running)

It was a mistake to pick Nakata for the Olympic team. Nakata never gives his best unless he thinks the game/tournament is worthy of him, and his ego appears to be so out of control he doesn't see many games/tournaments being at his level. Perhaps there was some truth in the rumor that Troussier didn't pick Nakata for the Asian Cup because of his attitude.

Out of Touch With Athletes Award: Japan Olympic chief Yushiro Yagi,

... who claimed that Naoko Takahashi won gold in the marathon at Sydney because of "her humility." I thought she won because of her single-mindedness and that of her coach, who both decided that training overseas would help. If Yagi had been up to the task, he would have thrown her off the team, like the swimming federation did to Suzu Chiba.

Neanderthal Owner Award: Tsuneo Watanabe of the Yomiuri Giants (84th year running)

Watanabe refused to allow anyone on his team to participate in the Olympics, so encouraging the other Central League teams to do likewise -- not very patriotic.

Watanabe fired a backup catcher for hitting a woman over the head, yet rewarded his star pitcher with a 10 million yen pay increase despite running over a motorcyclist. As if that wasn't bad enough, he owns a team that is trying to destroy Japanese baseball by making the championship a one-horse race by a) ignoring the draft rules, b) fixing them to favor the Giants, and c) perpetuating the feudal free-agent rules to enslave players.

He wants so much control, he has threatened to fire any player who negotiates a new contract with an agent, despite new rules allowing this. Luckily, he also insists on employing the bungling Shigeo Nagashima as the Giants' manager, thus ensuring that the other teams have a chance to compete.