"The hooligans are coming, the hooligans are coming!"

With just two years before soccer's World Cup comes to these shores, local government officials and law enforcement personnel are understandably concerned about the influx of a bunch of alcohol-fueled, raving-mad lunatics who pass themselves off as sports fans.

But I say don't sweat it, boys. The tournament will pass without incident, and here's why:

* First off, the English fans are the worst offenders when it comes to soccer-related rampages, and the way their team has been playing lately, there's a good chance they won't even make the final 32-team cut, forget about getting past the first round.

But let's say they do . . .

* When the lads hit Roppongi that first night in town and start tipping back a few pints at 1,000 yen a pop, the high cost of boozing should knock the fight right out of many of them. And they thought Guinness was getting a bit pricey . . .

* The first time some 230-pound, pasty-faced bricklayer from Watford named Stew steps out into the heat and humidity of a Japanese summer, he won't have enough energy to pick up a lawn chair, let alone throw one at his German counterpart across the bar.

* While experienced hooligans may be used to spending a few nights in various lockups across the globe, odds are that most of them have yet to write their first "apology letter." (Anyone who's ever overstayed their visa knows what I'm talking about here.)

Somehow, I get the impression that most soccer hooligans didn't graduate at the top of their classes, so being handed a little homework assignment while in the slammer may just be the ultimate deterrent.

Police officer: "Ah, Mr. Hooligan-san, please write a letter to show how sorry you are for your disrespectful behavior." Hooligan-san: "Hey mate, how'd ya spell 'piss off' in Japanese, anyways?"

* The hooligans, spoiling for a good fight in the streets, may lose interest when they look across the square and see a bunch of smiling cops on bicycles, blowing whistles and wielding broomsticks.

* If all else fails, and the odd riot does break out in Japan, then it's time to pull out the ultimate weapon. If you really want to punish an unruly European soccer fan, forget about jail time. Make him sit through a J. League match instead. Guaranteed to cut down on repeat offenders.

So, there you have it. Sit back, relax and enjoy the games in 2002, and hopefully all the kicking, punching, hair-pulling and spitting will take place on the field, where it belongs. At the very least, it should be fun listening to the Japanese announcers come up with their own unique pronunciations of "hooligan" on the TV newscasts every night.