Most professional baseball players in Japan would jump at the chance to represent their country in the Olympics. Apparently Ichiro Suzuki isn't one of them.

The Orix BlueWave superstar declared last Friday he has no desire to go hunting for gold in Sydney this September.

Said the overly patriotic outfielder, "I'm not interested in the Olympics and I don't know what all the commotion is about."

Who does?

No sane person would go all the way to Australia just to play baseball. The flight is painfully long and, unless you like Vegemite, you're in trouble. Nah, the Olympics are a waste of time, yours and mine. Of course, don't tell that to the Pacific League owners who are working their tails off trying to reschedule the season so that some of Japan's top players can showcase their talents before a global audience. For some reason these guys seem to view the Games as a world-class competition that could bring unlimited national pride and joy to folks back home.

Here's where it gets really weird: The PL owners aren't alone. Other people actually give a hoot about representing their country in the Olympics.

Just look at Vince Carter of the Toronto Raptors. The second-year player lost out to Ray Allen for the last spot on the U.S. Olympic hoops team even though the Milwaukee Bucks guard clearly has less game. Instead of laughing off the snub like Japan's top hitter might do, Carter was reportedly crushed. He must belong to an underground cult that believes the Games are the grandest sporting event known to man.

One call from Dr. Ichiro and Carter would feel better in no time.

"Hello, Vince? It's Ich over in Japan. Forget about the snub. The Olympics are as much fun as batting practice in February. The pay is peanuts and you have to sleep in a village. It's a blessing you weren't chosen."

"Man, I'm glad to hear that. My head must have been screwed on backwards or something."

Too bad Ichiro never got a chance to influence Larry Bird when he was contemplating representing his country at the 1992 Barcelona Games. The Celtics legend, who has won almost every individual and team award imaginable, would later refer to the event as the greatest experience of his career.

Who cares if the U.S. was favored to win the gold that year by more points than the Dow Jones? Bird still wanted to help bring it home. He had visions of standing on the podium while Old Glory was raised to the rafters in a full house that felt like Disney's "It's a Small World."

Bird, the crackpot, believed in words like "teamwork" and "determination." He even wanted his team to stay in the Olympic village when organizers suggested it might be more comfortable at a posh hotel. Obviously the guy's not cut out to play center field for the Orix BlueWave.

Neither is Joan Samuelson, who, at 42, is trying to become an Olympian for the THIRD time. What is this woman thinking? She hasn't run a marathon in 14 months and her U.S. record of 2:21:21 is almost 15 years old. But she still reminisces every now and again about the time she overcame knee surgery to win gold at the '84 Los Angeles Games.

"Ah, how nice it would be to rekindle the magic," she dreams. Humbug! Doesn't Samuelson realize she could skip the Olympics and take her kids -- 12-year-old Abby and 10-year-old Anders -- to Japan instead to do underachieving things with Ichiro?

That's what Central League owners would do if given the choice. They, too, don't see what the big fuss is all about. So far the CL has rejected the idea of sending its players to Sydney near the end of the season, even if the Hiroshima Carp have a 15-game lead with only five left to play.

Yomiuri Giants owner Tsuneo Watanabe is adamantly against shipping his players Down Under. "No one's going to tell me how to run my club," the CL's ringleader seems to be saying. "I call the shots around here."

You da man, Wat! Forget about the Cubans and South Koreans who claim their brand of ball is superior. Who cares if Japan is embarrassed by a U.S. team composed of college players? Heck, the major leaguers aren't coming so why should the Games be taken seriously? Being stubborn and unpatriotic is what builds character, not pure athletic competition.

You'll have to forgive Norihiro Nakamura if he disagrees. The Kintetsu Buffaloes slugger says he'd love to represent Japan in Sydney. "If I'm chosen, I'd be honored to play," he announced last week. Dave Nilsson feels the same way. He's playing for the Chunichi Dragons instead of in the majors this season just so he can compete for Australia in the summer. Put these two finks in a room with Watanabe and Ichiro for 30 seconds and they'll come out realizing how dishonorable people like Carter, Bird and Samuelson really are.

They say the Olympics will have it all this year: new world records, tears of triumph and disappointment, and athletes who emerge from nowhere to become genuine heroes. But they won't have Ichiro Suzuki. He's too clever to believe all the hype.