There’s been a huge shift in the way people date and marry in recent decades. As the stereotype goes, successful men used to marry their secretaries; now people choose spouses with similar levels of education and earnings. The phenomenon is called assortative mating. But smart, successful women still have to navigate enormous landmines in their romantic relationships with men.
Of course, not all women want to be in relationships or get married. According to a 2020 Pew survey, just 38% of single American women are looking for dates or a relationship. But if women are seeking romantic relationships and they’re uber-successful, they often have to choose between career success and romantic success. To change this ugly part of our culture, we need to radically rethink our conceptions of masculinity.
Part of the problem is that many men don’t want to be in relationships with women who they perceive as smarter than they are. A 2006 speed-dating experiment involving heterosexual Columbia University graduate students found that when a man thinks a woman is smarter than he is, he becomes less interested in dating her. (Happy Valentine’s Day!)