You gotta hand it to the Americans. By god, they invented or at least morphed into profitability just about everything that's on my desk as I write this: my landline telephone; my iPad, which is open to my Facebook page; a DVD of the director's cut of "Edward Scissorhands"; even the plastic-lidded cup filled with a liquid that vaguely resembles coffee.

But now they've taken the cake. The new invention it's incumbent upon me to tell you about is far and away the greatest creation of that fiendishly innovative nation that has ever crossed a county, state or national border.

Armed with this smart weapon, Americans can not only "get their country moving again" — which is something they do every four years until it stops in its tracks a couple of weeks later; they will also return to dominance around the world. Once everyone starts using this creation, the Russians will go back to playing roulette and the Chinese will have little choice but to while away their hours playing checkers.