A merica doesn't have princesses in the sense that Japan and Britain and a few other countries do. But it has its princess substitutes, from presidential first daughters such as Caroline Kennedy and Chelsea Clinton to a handful of the nicer Hollywood actresses. Just as with real princesses, there is always a great flurry of media interest when one of these American "royals" gives birth, and mothers-to-be across the land take note of the famous new baby's name.

In the latest such glad event, however, mothers-to-be weren't the only ones struck by the names that Oscar-winning actress Julia Roberts gave her newborn twins last week. Everybody was. For a moment, people stopped thinking about Iraq and Ukraine and earthquakes and what to have for dinner, and exclaimed to each other: "She called them what? Is she serious?" Newspaper commentaries echoed the sense of outrage -- and of sympathy for little Phinnaeus Walter and Hazel Patricia, who it was generally agreed were doomed to a life at the losers' lunch table.

"Phinnaeus?" grumbled one grammar-challenged Internet chatter. "You can't even google that hardly."