Here at The Japan Times, my job is officially that of "reviewer," but some days I feel more like the guy whose job it is to taste the king's food for poison. If the taster doesn't drop dead, the king digs in. Similarly, if I emerge from the latest Hollywood popcorn flick without having suffered severe and lasting mental retardation, then I tell you all it's safe to see.
Well, with "Speed Racer," my ride ended. The brain damage inflicted by the mind-boggling stupidity and pointlessness of the movie left me staggering out of the theater, barely able to find my way home. A one-star review is hardly a sufficient caution for "Speed Racer" — this flick requires a Surgeon General's warning: "Viewing this movie may lead to nausea, disorientation, seizures and cessation of mental function."
This is a movie that has the same effect as those pyramids of skulls the Mongol hordes used to mark their conquests with: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.