I was recently asked to get a health check by one of my places of employment. On my planet, the United States, one doctor does the health check in 30 minutes. How boring.

In the Japanese way, you get an entire tour of the hospital, visiting each department by following colored lines drawn on the floor that guide you from station to station, and seeing several doctors along the way. It's a set procedure, much like a Japanese "stamprary," and all you have to do is plod along, follow the course and let out an occasional moo. Here's a short guide.

You will surely have a ureka moment inside the toilet stall, as you will suddenly realize there is a good reason for the existence of Japanese squat toilets: urine samples. While the newer hospitals have bathrooms with those windows in the stalls where you can pass over your sample, older hospitals (the ones that have toilet paper as rough as ostrich leather) still require you to walk your sample out of the bathroom over to a counter while everyone else looks on. Leaving the bathroom, one hand holding the cup and the other opening the door, can be a little tricky, as people are constantly walking into the bathroom not realizing that a "gaijin" with a urine sample is on the other side of the door. Therefore, I suggest you yell out, "Get outta my way, I got pee." People will scatter. Moo and you're on to the next station.